Our choices show what we really are

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

- JK Rowling -

 

 

kaattil,....... alayum kariyilakal

neram mangiya neram

shishiram kori choriyum kuliril

neram mangiya neram

shishiram kori choriyum kuliril

raathri sathrathil anayunnoo naam

kaattilalayum kariyilakal

kaattil, alayum kariyilakal

neram mangiya neram

kochu sukha dukhangal

japa mani muthukalaay ennunnoo (kochu....)

snehathinte mukhangal manassil vedanayaay unarunnoo

etho raakkili kezhukunnakale..

chethana pidayunnoo... chethana pidayunnoo....

neram mangiya neram....

mandahasikkaan marannu

mukalile indu kalayum maanjoo... (mandahasikkaan....)

vaadum rajanee pushpangal than

vaasana nerthaliyunnoo..

etho pin vili kelkkunnakale..

verpiriyum neram... verpiriyum neram......

neram mangiya neram

shishiram kori choriyum kuliril

raathri sathrathil anayunnoo naam

kaattilalayum kariyilakal

kaattil, alayum kariyilakal

neram mangiya neram....

Johnson / ONV Kurup / KJ Yesudas

source: http://www.malayalasangeetham.info/s.php?8165

arikil nee illayenna sathyathine ariyuvanaayathillenikkippozhum

 arikil nee illayenna sathyathine

ariyuvanaayathillenikkippozhum

athinumannil chirikkathirikkanam

iniyorikkalum pichakappoovukal pichakappoovukal

janalazhikaLil pularithan pon viral pathiye vannu thodathirikkanam

oru nisabdamaam sammathamenna pol puzhayilolam kudikkaathirikkanam

puthumazha peyththinaardramaay manninte

naruanam veendum punaraathirikkanam.. (arikil nee...)

chirakadichu vannampalapraavukal kuruki sandhyaye meettaa..thirikkanam

cheviyil enthoa mozhinja pol kaatinte kusruthi veendum kilungaathirikkanam

theli velichchathil udalil ninnithiri vazhuthi maaranam nizhaline vittini

athuvaraekkum ariyunnathengane arikililla nee enna sathyaththine ?

Musician	Sharath
Lyricist(s)	Rafeeq Ahamed

 

http://malayalasangeetham.info/php/SongDetails.php?sid=17645&encode=utf

Shameless Happiness.. REBT

What is REBT?

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a form of psychotherapy and a philosophy of living created by Albert Ellis in the 1950's.

REBT (pronounced R.E.B.T. — it is not pronounced rebbit) is based on the premise that whenever we become upset, it is not the events taking place in our lives that upset us; it is the beliefs that we hold that cause us to become depressed, anxious, enraged, etc. The idea that our beliefs upset us was first articulated by Epictetus around 2,000 years ago: "Men are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them."

The Goal of Happiness

According to Albert Ellis and to REBT, the vast majority of us want to be happy. We want to be happy whether we are alone or with others; we want to get along with others—especially with one or two close friends; we want to be well informed and educated; we want a good job with good pay; and we want to enjoy our leisure time.

Of course life doesn't always allow us to have what we want; our goal of being happy is often thwarted by the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." When our goals are blocked, we can respond in ways that are healthy and helpful, or we can react in ways that are unhealthy and unhelpful.

The ABC Model

Albert Ellis and REBT posit that our reaction to having our goals blocked (or even the possibility of having them blocked) is determined by our beliefs. To illustrate this, Dr. Ellis developed a simple ABC format to teach people how their beliefs cause their emotional and behavioral responses:

A. Something happens.
B. You have a belief about the situation.
C. You have an emotional reaction to the belief.

For example:

A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “She has no right to accuse me. She's a bitch!”
C. You feel angry.

If you had held a different belief, your emotional response would have been different:

A. Your employer falsely accuses you of taking money from her purse and threatens to fire you.
B. You believe, “I must not lose my job. That would be unbearable.”
C. You feel anxious.

The ABC model shows that A does not cause C. It is B that causes C. In the first example, it is not your employer's false accusation and threat that make you angry; it is your belief that she has no right to accuse you, and that she is a bitch. In the second example, it is not her accusation and threat that make you anxious; it is the belief that you must not lose your job, and that losing your job would be unbearable.

The Three Basic Musts

Although we all express ourselves differently, according to Albert Ellis and REBT, the beliefs that upset us are all variations of three common irrational beliefs. Each of the three common irrational beliefs contains a demand, either about ourselves, other people, or the world in general. These beliefs are known as "The Three Basic Musts."

1. I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I am no good.
2. Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it.

The first belief often leads to anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt. The second belief often leads to rage, passive-aggression and acts of violence. The third belief often leads to self-pity and procrastination. It is the demanding nature of the beliefs that causes the problem. Less demanding, more flexible beliefs lead to healthy emotions and helpful behaviors

Disputing

The goal of REBT is to help people change their irrational beliefs into rational beliefs. Changing beliefs is the real work of therapy and is achieved by the therapist disputing the client's irrational beliefs. For example, the therapist might ask, "Why must you win everyone's approval?" "Where is it written that other people must treat you fairly?" "Just because you want something, why must you have it?" Disputing is the D of the ABC model. When the client tries to answer the therapist's questions, s/he sees that there is no reason why s/he absolutely must have approval, fair treatment, or anything else that s/he wants.

Insight

Albert Ellis and REBT contend that although we all think irrationally from time to time, we can work at eliminating the tendency. It's unlikely that we can ever entirely eliminate the tendency to think irrationally, but we can reduce the frequency, the duration, and the intensity of our irrational beliefs by developing three insights:

1. We don't merely get upset but mainly upset ourselves by holding inflexible beliefs.  
2. No matter when and how we start upsetting ourselves, we continue to feel upset because we cling to our irrational beliefs.  
3. The only way to get better is to work hard at changing our beliefs. It takes practice, practice, practice.

Acceptance

Emotionally healthy human beings develop an acceptance of reality, even when reality is highly unfortunate and unpleasant. REBT therapists strive to help their clients develop three types of acceptance: (1) unconditional self-acceptance; (2) unconditional other-acceptance; and (3) unconditional life-acceptance. Each of these types of acceptance is based on three core beliefs:

Unconditional self-acceptance:

1. I am a fallible human being; I have my good points and my bad points.
2. There is no reason why I must not have flaws.
3. Despite my good points and my bad points, I am no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.

 Unconditional other-acceptance:

1. Other people will treat me unfairly from time to time.
2. There is no reason why they must treat me fairly.
3. The people who treat me unfairly are no more worthy and no less worthy than any other human being.

Unconditional life-acceptance:

1. Life doesn't always work out the way that I'd like it to.
2. There is no reason why life must go the way I want it to
3.  Life is not necessarily pleasant but it is never awful and it is nearly always bearable.

REBT Today

Clinical experience and a growing supply of experimental evidence show that REBT is effective and efficient at reducing emotional pain. When Albert Ellis created REBT in the 1950's he met with much resistance from others in the mental health field. Today it is one of the most widely-practiced therapies throughout the world. In the early days of REBT, even Dr. Ellis did not clearly see that consistent use of its philosophical system would have such a profound effect on the field of psychotherapy or on the lives of the millions of people who have benefited from it.

  based on Shameless Happiness, a  booklet that outlines the basics of REBT

Mamukkoya.. life

http://www.4shared.com/document/qioR0ccP/Maamukkoyayude_Jeevitha_Kadha.html

I learn more when I talk the least

“I learn more when I talk the least.”

Silence is an element in which great things fashion themselves.

Instead of seeing silence as something to be frightened of, we need to embrace it - especially when we’re troubled about something. We may be surprised that the solutions we seek are readily available and that our inner voice is unerring when given the freedom and time to express itself.

“I learn more when I talk the least.”

Castles in Air?!!!

Castles in Air?!!!

 

Much is said in regarding to building castles in air, and

the one who is doing this business is not always viewed positively.

But castles in air are always necessary before we have castles on the ground, before we have castles to live.

The trouble with one who builds in air is not that he builds them in the air,

but that he does not go farther and actualize it in his life.

So building castles in air can be a precondition for introducing a change or materialising something. This is the art of creative visualization.

4 basic steps for effective creative visualisation

I.                   Set Your Goal

Decide ob something you would like to have, work toward, realize or create.

a relationship, a change in you, improved health, a happier state of mind etc.

II.               Create a Clear Idea or Picture

Create an idea or mental picture of the object or situation exactly as you want it. Picture yourself within the situation as you desire it.

III.            Focus on it often

Bring your idea or mental picture to mind often, both in quiet meditation periods and casually in a gentle way. In this way it become an integrated part of yourself.

IV.             Give it Positive Energy

Make strong positive statements to yourself, 

“I Can”, “It Exists”, “It has Come” etc.

Continue to work with this process until you achieve your goal. Acknowledge the change and appreciate yourself for it.

So Start building castles …………….

LOVE yourself???

 

 

 

Do you LOVE yourself???

When you love yourself you will no longer try to juggle people or possessions in the external world in order to find inner fulfillment. You will no longer live a life focused on clinging to attachments and aversions. You no longer look to a big guy in the sky to send in a savior to rescue you from becoming intimately acquainted with your own true nature. You find fulfillment from within, simply by accepting, without acting out, your feelings just as they are right now.

Empowerment

      Learning how to love yourself is all about empowerment. It is based on core beliefs and agreements we have made –

          1. agreements with ourselves,
        2. with other people,

        3. with with life. 

The most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth. The simple ideas of The Agreements provide an inspirational code for life; a personal development model, and a template for personal development, behaviour, communications and relationships.

 

 

Action Plan

(1) Accept yourself for who you are and learn to love yourself just as you are;

(2) Accept your feelings and examine them closely so you can understand yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually;

(3) Learn to direct your mind, body and emotions;

(4) Uncover core beliefs leftover from your childhood and replace the negative with positive;

(5) Strengthen your inner self and begin changing what you do not like about yourself;

(6) Witness the change in your self-esteem and self-confidence levels and celebrate your progress;

(7) Allow yourself to accept and others exactly as they are;

(8) Seek common ground but always celebrate differences;

(9) Practice The three Agreements.

Kahlil Gibran On Children

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

 

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Stay away from Anger...

It hurts ...Only You!!!

The Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion. One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others, he shouted." You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. "You are right, o Enlightened One, "he said. "Please teach me the path of love. I wish to become your follower."

The Buddha answered kindly, "Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants to learn. Come with me."

If you are right then there is no need to get angry,

And if you are wrong then you don't have any right to get angry.

Nonviolent Communication

 Nonviolent Communication 

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people.

We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us.” We struggle to understand what we want or need in the moment, and how to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats or coercion.


At best, thinking and communicating this way can create misunderstanding and frustration, or simply keep us from getting what we want. It can also keep us from the fulfilling relationships we deserve. And still worse, it can lead to anger, depression and even emotional or physical violence.

tips to Transform Your Parenting and Family Relationships With Nonviolent Communication 

• Reduce family conflicts and sibling rivalry

• Hear the needs behind your child's "no"

• Move beyond power struggles to co-operation and trust

• Boost your child's emotional growth and self-esteem

• Clearly express your wants in a way your child will hear

• Express frustrations without blame or judgment

• Protect and nurture the autonomy of children

BEING ASSERTIVE..................

 

 

BEING ASSERTIVE..................

Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs. Assertiveness is also often associated with positive self-esteem and a better self-image.

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic. Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for yourself does not trespass on the rights of others. Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.

Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.
   Here’s an example: Situation:
   Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date. Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
   Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe: Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
   Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”
3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
   For example: ‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
   ‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”
4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together: “When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].” When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: “When you yell, I feel attacked.”
5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this: “When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].” Here are some examples: “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.” “When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”

Tips:

1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.